When I go...

First, I have no plans at the moment, but I have thought about it. When I go be sure of one thing. I will leave this Earth as I entered it. Optimistically. I have, in my life, had one dark night when a panic attack overtook me and I thought, "What if the evangelicals are right? What if I will die and go to hell?" That moment of panic was among the worst moments I have spent on this planet. But then I thought, "Can I claim to believe something?" No. Neither can I live my life in fear. I have had a reasonable relationship with the Universe. I see the balance always striving to regain its even standing. I am an agnostic. I believe you cannot know the answers about God and the Universe. Douglas Adams, I believe, got more right than he might have missed. I can believe anything, but that comes from the definition of faith. That definition being that faith is believing what you cannot know. I think that is how this all makes sense. If you cannot know you must always be in the process of trying to understand where you are in the scheme of things. I used to tell this story in my stage show. When I was young, I thought that the meaning of life would present itself to me as a flower in the field. I would be walking along one day, and the sun would shine on the flower, and then I would understand. As I grew older I realized it wasn't going to be that easy. Later I thought, "Maybe the meaning of life is like a treasure. Where you must find a map, search for the 'X' and dig it up." Then, when you open the chest, there would be the meaning of life waiting to be discovered. Later I realized it wouldn't be that simple. Still older I reasoned that the meaning of life must be like a complicated machine. A machine that you had to invent, and you had to tool all the parts and assemble them. You would have to created it, maintain it and once it was working you would understand. Now I am older and I know that isn't it. But I do know what the meaning of life is, and that is why I can go out confidently. The meaning of life is you building your machine.