2:30 And still awake

[seymoure]

After getting out of the incredibly hot shower that stops the muscle spasms and joint aches for less time than it takes to dry off, here I am again. Sitting up. Wondering. There was a time when I would have thought, "Why me? What did I do wrong?" A few years ago I stopped all that. I realized the randomness of the universe. Nobody was out to get me, nothing was a trap waiting for me to screw up. God did not hate me. I could not embrace a God that could be so vindictive for no good reason. Because I did A and B, but not C, and you'll set my house on fire? Because I did C and D, but not G, you would torture me forever? That's not a chance for me to learn what's right. If I screw up, that's it. No. Not my God. Vague, yes. Overly distant, sometimes. But downright childishly punitive? Not likely. I believe the universe strives for balance, but it is a large universe. I may not even be able to perceive the fulcrum, much less know what the payoff is meant to be. But, I am not within the cross hairs of a terroristic deity. I cannot, and I will not, fear a merciless power. I will be moral (as I can know it) and noble (not out of fear, but because I cannot live with myself if I were less) and will take my chance that God will see me for what I am. That's all I can do.